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Use FREE FAST FOOD to Drive Customers to Your Site!!
There is nothing better than a free McDonald's hamburger, for purposes of this article. Each day, this moderately successful franchise and others also not doing too badly give away hundreds of dollars worth of free fast food. Maybe even a THOUSAND dollars worth.
I mean, if you add them all up, nationally.
How do you cash in on this “bonanza”, which is funny because that's the name of a chain of steak houses that I remember frequenting when I was a kid, until a buddy of mine busted a tooth and ended up flinging his “steak” thru a window at the place, smashing it. And it wasn't the bone, let me tell you. That joint was the worst, even though their meat was probably better than McDonald's, but McDonald's grinds the heck out of it to make it easier to digest, also making chewing unnecessary, which is a good idea considering, and probably a metaphor for our times.
Anyway.
Run an advertisement urging folks to “Click To Learn How To Get Free Food At McDonald's and Dozens of Other Fast-Food Restaurants”. People will go to your site. Once there, you can tell them about how they can go to McDonalds and dozens of other fast-food restaurants to get free food, which is often being given away anyhow, especially if you buy some other food there. I realize this doesn't seem like all that original a thought, but that's the best thing about it. It's a lot simpler to promote the freebies already out there then, god forbid, give free stuff out yourself.
I've been taking this class in Chowo, which teaches you that everything known in the entire world is known, just not by everybody. I find this base philosophy useful in my everyday business life trying to move garbage. Chowo instructs us that there is no need to develop new knowledge, when we're already barely accessing the old stuff. It's like regurgitation (another way it's like McDonald's) because you're bringing back up stuff already digested, or at least Ingested. So you know there's a recidivist mentality here, coupled with poor memory.
Yup. If you take a look at what passes for “secrets” in marketing, you quickly discover that a “secret” is something you've forgotten more than once. To use a highly offensive analogy for which I will no doubt take some heat, paid-programming T.V. wannabes suffer from a curious kind of self-induced business alzheimer's, brought on by the same drives that make us purchase lottery tickets and the hard fact that we know there are a lot of people smarter than us, and are more than willing for both parties to prove it.
If you put “FREE FAST FOOD” in your subject line of your spam, you are bound to get some hits, as fast food is the PRIMARY form of cuisine served in America. You can actually include a coupon at your site saying something like:
“Bearer of This Certificate is Hereby Entitled to One Free Cheesburger at the Fat Food Establishment of His/Her Choice”, because
1. Nobody would probably notice; and
2. Using the certificate might get them a free Cheeseburger anyway. I have my doubts as to whether the 19 year olds working the registers can possibly keep up with even the legitimate promotions.
As to what else people do at your site when they get to it, that's up to you. Anybody silly enough to risk a virus by responding to your email to risk salmonella by taking advantage of your promotion is silly enough to do some other, third stupid thing, like buy something from you, or sign up for something that will eventually cost them money. Provide you with their credit card number, which is almost as good as real money except that it's being held by somebody dopey enough to think “Free Fat Food” is a real deal. Probably ought NOT to consider charging more than a couple hundred to it. Not all at once, anyway.
Next week I'll tell you how to use “Free Air-sickness Bags” to drive customers AWAY from your competitor's sites.
©2002 RWPladek
http://mydeas.com
http://juriscomic.com
mailto: outbroker@comcast.net
Bob Pladek actually attended, graduated from, and secured a
good position as a result of law school. Not a big enough
liar to make it to retirement, he does what he always did:
speak his mind, however little he has to say. Only now he
doesn't get paid much for it.